highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
