apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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