Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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