it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
