in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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