It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
