I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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