I faked an abortion last night.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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