My nipple is on Facebook.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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