Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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