Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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