so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
