omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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