No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
