...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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