yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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