Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
