Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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