i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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