i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Randomize
