I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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