i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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