I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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