proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
