Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
