whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
