I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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