census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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