I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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