Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
