When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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