Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
