sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
