A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
