so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
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