I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
