This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
