Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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