I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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