Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
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You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
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Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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