omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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