Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
