john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
