my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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