I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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