Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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