He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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