thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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