I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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