Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
