make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
