I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I see more hoeing in ur future
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