I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
