Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Rumble strips road head = magical
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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