Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
