Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
