wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
