tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
