There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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