I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
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You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
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Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you