well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that